Monologo - Erik in \"L'uomo Ferito\" Parte Uno

STAGIONE 2 EP 5

MINUTAGGIO: 4:11-14:50
RUOLO: Erik Menéndez

ATTORE: Cooper Koch
DOVE: Netflix

INGLESE

Well, it kinda seems like it was always happening, because, I mean, I was always afraid of him. My dad. I was never afraid of Lyle. I always felt like Lyle was my, uh, my protector. Even when he was abusing you? Yeah. He... he wasn't. I just mean that... Like, my earliest memories are of running away. You know, I was, like, five or something, and I wouldn't get far. I would just get to, uh, my aunt's house just a few blocks down. And it was like, um... Well, because that's what Lyle said when he found out I was still... He was... He was like, mad, right? And he said, you know, "Erik, how could you let this happen?" "Do you like it or something? 'Cause you could just run away." I was like, "Because they always come find me." Every time I tried, they would find me, and it just would get worse. My mom and my dad and my whole family, they were like this octopus that you could never escape from. Because their tentacles would come and grab you? Or... Yeah. Something like that. Um... But as far as when it started, Lyle thinks I was six. And, uh, that seems right. That's when your father started with him. Right. So that makes some sense. Yeah. And I, uh, didn't... Um... Well, that's when I had Coach Wadlington. I was six when I started with him. And I remember it was happening around then, or... Well, the massages did. It didn't start out bad, you know? Yeah. It would just be after tennis, or after swimming, and... Um... Mm-hmm. Well, I knew that my dad didn't like me. Just... He was always so mean. You know, he loved Lyle, but he didn't love me. And, uh, I could tell, but he would also say it. He'd call me these names and they were... Just stuff you shouldn't say to a... a kid. Like... stupid, or faggоt. And so then you're always trying to impress him, or to not make him mad. And my mom would... she would do it, too. They would gang up on me. Like, if I said I was scared of the closet, they'd lock me in the closet until I stopped screaming. And, I think they were laughing, so I knew I wasn't gonna die. But still, it was just like... "Why would you do that?" Or, uh, the basement. Because I was scared of it. It was to toughen me up. And... Just all afternoon, or until I stopped crying. And my mom would do it too, but it was mostly my dad. So, anyways, when, uh... when you know your dad thinks you're weak, or, uh, I don't know, too scared, or something, like, not tough enough. And, well, then you start to think, "Well, I guess I'm not tough enough." And he's always mad at you. Like, then the times that he's not. And the times when he takes you upstairs and says, uh, "You know, let's take a shower," and he was... Well, at first, he was, uh... Like, he was finally nice. You know? Like, to see that side of him where he was, um... Tender. Yeah. Because it was then, like, he could stop being mad when no one else was there. But around everyone else and even when family was over, he would just call you those names or he would hit you and everyone... everyone saw it. But when it was just you and him, that's... that's when he would, um... What? That's when he'd tell me he loved me. When he was abusing you? Yeah. It... it wasn't... It was just the massages at first, like, with oil, or he'd have his shirt off and I'd just be in my shorts, and it was... All the other stuff hadn't started yet. And so it was just like time being with my dad where I felt like he cared about me. And, uh, it was just me and him. And that was good. Like, those were my favorite memories. Leslie: Mm-hmm. And then the massages changed? He would say, uh, turn over and he'd do my front. He'd massage my penis. Okay. And so we'd fondle each other. But it... it still wasn't, uh... What? Like it... it wasn't scary yet, what we were doing, except I think I didn't want to, like I would try not to do it. The front part? Yeah, because he'd be lying on his back and I'd try to skip that part, and he'd say, "No, you have to do that." And, uh, just... then the mouth massages as I got older. Like Lyle said, with the objects and the toothbrush and...Uh, definitely second grade 'cause... The toothbrush? Because I remember the day at school afterwards, there was a picture of a toothbrush on the bulletin board or whatever, just about how you should go to the dentist. And, um, I remember thinking that the toothbrush in the picture wouldn't have hurt as much. Uh, and so there were four different kinds of... of sеx with my dad. There was nice, which was the, um... Well, the massages came before, but... Then, when he started making me use my mouth, it was just... It was too big, and I, uh, I didn't... I didn't like that. Yeah. Doing that to him seemed really dirty. Yeah. When he did it to me, that was... But to him, the... the naked... He called them "naked mouth massages." Doing that to him felt really dirty. Yeah. Uh, and I didn't like it, but he would say, you know, "You did good. Good boy." And it was just... the only time I felt like I had a real relationship with my dad, where I felt that he did love me. And, uh, they'd go on for a long time, the nice sеx sessions. Sometimes I started to wonder where everybody else was just because they'd go on for so long. And in a lot of ways, even though it felt dirty, it was also like... like I was the center of the world for once, you know? Mm-hmm. And it... it also felt... Nice? The objects were to get me ready. Lyle and I realized that when we finally, um... When you talked about it. Yeah. And that he was, uh, preparing our bodies for something bigger. And, uh, at first he made me do it to him.Sеx. Like, to penetrate him. He always said he wanted to teach me how to use my... my penis. And that felt really dirty every time. Yeah. And I didn't like it. And, um... In order to do that, you have to be... Erect. That... That''s what was so, uh, weird about it. And that I could ever... Um... What? Or... оrgasm. That was, uh, really confusing to me at that age. Of course it would be. Uh... And then he... he... Then he started to rapе me and that... He'd take a slat from underneath the bed and he'd put it under the doorknob... Oh my God. And I... I would cry, and it hurt, and he'd say, "You know, why can't you be like Lyle?" "Just be a Menendez and get used to it." And I just... I remember feeling so, um... disappointed because he was comparing us again, Lyle and me, like I wasn't good enough again, and like, all of the stuff that he'd said about loving me, like, that was just gone. Or like that had never even, like, happened.

ITALIANO

L’impressione era che andasse avanti da sempre, perché ho sempre avuto timore di lui, di mio padre. Io non ho mai temuto Lyle. Anzi, mio fratello l’ho sempre visto come il mio protettore. Ecco, per esempio, i miei ricordi più remoti sono legati alla fuga. Avrò avuto cinque anni, più o meno, non andavo lontano, ma… correvo da mia zia che abitava a pochi isolati, e ricordo le parole di mio fratello quando ha scoperto che ero ancora… lui si… si arrabbiava molto con me. E ricordo che ogni volta diceva: “Erik, è successo perché l’hai permesso. Che c’è, in realtà ti piace? Perché non scappi lontano”. E io rispondevo: “Beh, perché so già che mi troverebbero”. Ogni volta che ci provavo riuscivano a trovarmi, e le cose peggioravano. Mia madre e… e mio padre e il resto della famiglia erano come una piovra da cui non si scappava mai. Per rispondere alla sua domanda, secondo Lyle avevo sei anni e… e… credo che abbia ragione. Si, io… io mi… io mi allenavo col signor Wedlington, avevo sei anni quando ho iniziato con lui e… non poteva che essere in quel periodo, perché… ricordo che papà mi faceva i massaggi. All’inizio non erano male, capisce? Seguivano gli allenamenti di tennis o quelli di nuoto ma… beh… sapevo di non piacergli nemmeno un pò. Lui era sempre cattivo con me. Papà adorava Lyle ma non amava me. Ne sono certo. E lui lo confermerebbe. Mi chiamava con dei soprannomi che nessuno... che nessuno oserebbe con suo figlio, ecco… “Stupido", o… "Finocchio"... Io cercavo ogni giorno di sorprenderlo e di non farlo arrabbiare, mia madre era sempre dalla sua parte. Si alleavano contro di me. Ecco, se dicevo che c’era un mostro nell’armadio, loro mi ci chiudevano dentro, finché non smettevo di gridare. Loro ridevano, quindi sapevano che non sarei morto, eppure mi domandavo: “Perché mi fanno questo?” Succedeva anche col seminterrato. Si, perché mi spaventava. Lo facevano per forgiarmi… per l’intero pomeriggio, se non smettevo di piangere. Sempre papà a farlo, mamma… lo faceva solo a volte. Io sapevo che… che per mio padre ero soltanto un debole, un… mhm, non lo so… un fifone. Era convinto che… Non fossi un vero duro e… Beh, ho finito per convincermi anche io, di non essere un duro. Se la prendeva sempre con me. Solo di rado era calmo e sereno. Cioè quando… mi diceva di andare di sopra con lui perché dovevamo fare la doccia insieme. All’inizio… soltanto all’inizio era… gentile, finalmente. Aveva un lato che io apprezzavo. In quel caso non si arrabbiava mai quando eravamo solo noi, perché lui sembrava un’altra persona. Quando avevamo ospiti, o venivano a trovarci parenti beh, mi dava quei soprannomi oppure mi picchiava davanti a tutti, e tutti assistevano. Quando invece eravamo in due, solo in quei casi diceva… solo in quei casi diceva “Ti voglio bene”. Lui… mi massaggiava soltanto, all’inizio. Prendeva l’olio, si toglieva la camicia. E io restavo in pantaloncini, non faceva tutte le cose che ha fatto più avanti. In quei momenti sentivo che… amava la mia compagnia, e che mi voleva bene e… che teneva a me. Noi… Noi due eravamo insieme. Ed ero contento. Sono quelli i miei ricordi preferiti. Mi diceva di voltarmi per toccarmi davanti… Per massaggiarmi il pene. E ci toccavamo a vicenda. Ma non… ecco, non era ancora così… così spaventoso per me, quello che facevamo. Certo, non lo, non lo volevo, io cercavo, cercavo di sottrarmi. Si, perché lui si sdraiava a pancia in su e io cercavo di evitarlo, ma lui diceva: “No, no lo devi fare”. E poi siamo arrivati ai massaggi con la bocca e poi come ha detto Lyle gli oggetti, lo spazzolino… Io andavo in seconda elementare sicuramente. Lo spazzolino? Ricordo molto bene che il giorno successivo a scuola c’era l’immagine di uno spazzolino in una bacheca che ci ricordava di andare dal dentista, e io… ho pensato che lo spazzolino da denti nell’immagine non mi avrebbe fatto così male. Io all’epoca lo suddividevo in quattro categorie il sesso con mio padre. C’era quello gentile, che comprendeva i… I… beh, i massaggi che però erano precedenti. Poi ha voluto che cominicassi a usare la bocca, e io pensavo… Che fosse troppo grande quello… quello no, non mi piaceva. E usarla così mi faceva sentire sporco. E… a volte era lui a usarla, la bocca. Mentre eravamo nudi, lui li chiamava i massaggi con la bocca. In quel momento io mi sentivo molto sporco. Non mi piaceva, ma lui mi diceva: “Erik, sei bravo. Sì, così, bravo”. Erano le uniche occasioni in cui io pensavo di avere un vero rapporto con mio padre, in cui sentivo che lui… mi voleva bene. Erano… Interminabili le pause di sesso gentile. Io mi chiedevo… dove fossero tutti gli altri, perché eravamo chiusi lì dentro da chissà quanto. In un certo senso, forse in termini sporchi, potevo finalmente sentirmi al centro del suo mondo, per una volta. Mi spiego? E… e lui con me era…. gentile. Gli oggetti erano preparatori. Lui li usava per abituare i nostri corpi a ricevere qualcosa di più… più grande. E lui, voleva che a cominciare fossi io. Voleva che lo penetrassi. In quel modo voleva insegnarmi a usare il mio… il mio pene. Mi sentivo ancora più sporco. Era sempre così, non mi piaceva mai. E… Io trovavo molto strano il fatto che potessi provare un’orgasmo. Si, era… era una cosa che mi confondeva a quell’età. E poi lui… ha cominciato a violentarmi. Prendeva… una stecca che era sotto al letto, e la usava per bloccare la maniglia, così… io ero in lacrime, e sentivo molto dolore, e lui diceva: “Insomma, perché non sei come Lyle? Comportati da Menéndez e abituati!” E io.. ho provato una fortissima delusione perché quello era l’ennesimo… confronto. Lyle era bravo e… io non lo ero mai abbastanza. E… tutti i discorsi su quanto mi… volesse bene svanivano. Era come… se certe cose non me le avesse mai dette.